How to deal with erectile dysfunction in a relationship

The help that exists nowadays may tempt to see erectile dysfunction as a problem of the man. That would be a fatal miscalculation of the situation! Erectile dysfunction affects both partners and is therefore always a partnership problem that can only be solved jointly.

For many men it’s part of manhood, that they solve their problems on their own. The conversation with the partner does not exist as a way to solve the problem. Without discussion, both partners have to rely on imagination and speculation. Especially in the case of erectile dysfunction men generally underestimate by far the relevance of this to the partner.

By Michael Lukas Moeller is the saying: "What is taboo, no one can create." Actually it is even worse: What is taboo develops its own dynamics, and you’re helpless against it. Suppressed anger and frustration accumulate, until eventually a trivial problem ignites to a usually inappropriate, violent conflict, but because of the unspoken issues it cannot work as a "purifying rain". The solution lies in an open discussion of the partners in an honest exchange of desires, needs and boundaries. 

Each person has his or her own developing sexuality. The only way to find out is through an honest exchange: What is missing? What is good for me? How can we make our situation work so that we're both happy? This communication is essential for a relationship without any sexual issues, for example when it’s about finding one acceptable solution for both when dealing with different needs in terms of frequency and types of sexual intercourse. 

When sexual issues play a role in a relationship, the conversation becomes even more important because there is much more to clarify and because of the big uncertainty on both sides. When there is a potency failure, for example, this means that the partner is already involved in the selection of auxiliary facilities. 

If the man would choose an auxiliary possibility that she rejects internally, for example because of fear that the drugs might sicken her partner or because she feels the procedure is repulsive, then it can surely be no experience to rejoice in..

Especially with unclear causes of an erectile dysfunction, it is also important not to hastily cure the symptoms. Everything has a reason and it is wise to listen to the language of the body. The joint reflection on the importance of erectile dysfunction may provide important insights into upcoming changes in life and in the partnership.

In many respects, the partners have difficulties to talk about their sexuality with each other. A situation in which one can talk freely about certain topics is not going to happen overnight. 

People usually have a long history and therefore it cannot be changed too easily. In order to initiate a change, the partners could decide, for example, to read a book together about partnership and exchanging personal information. The books by John Gray and Michael Lukas Moeller appear to us best suited. Especially we would like to recommend:
 John Gray:
Mars, Venus & Eros -
Perhaps you can think of some unconventional ways to get into a conversation. Maybe paint a comic with a message or read a short story.
There are of course a wide range of ways to enliven the communication: Talking with other affected people and exchanging, and participation in seminars, partner, marriage counseling, couples therapy.
 
A potency failure may be the beginning of a deeper partnership.